PIT BULL RESCUE

TO THE SCUMBAG DEAD BEATS
Current mood: forgotten

I just want you to know.....
that when the going gets tough
I get tougher,,,,
They say things get easier with time........Well....
I may still be waiting for time to come around but I am still going to wake up, smile and go.......
After all I've been through.... Nothing will stop me. Nothing.
So..... For all the dead beats, scumbags, piece of shit fathers who think that picking up your daughter, taking her to eat and then calling it a night is what a father is all about.... and for the super dads who have a pile of Christmas presents under the tree from "dad", while the moms spend their last cent on the pile under her tree from "Santa"..... and then trying to explain herself to her daughter why mommy doesn't buy her presents but daddy does.... and for the great dad who degrades the moms, belittles them, and makes the children believe that the moms made you go away or that the moms are the bad ones... and the kids believe you because they want your attention and love SO bad because they never had it before....... Keep influencing them. Go ahead.
My daughter will someday know who "Santa" really was. She will someday realize why "Daddy had to go". She will figure out your cheap 20 minute dinner trips and how many basketball games you missed (but guess who was sitting on the bench each game? Mom was.) Even though she yells at me and makes me sad because daddy wasn't at her game. Even though she blames me for your absenteeism and your lack of concern. Yes. I cry. My feelings are hurt but she only hurts me because YOU hurt her. She only hurts me because she knows I will NEVER hurt her back. She only yells and swears and curses at me because she knows I will NEVER leave her. She knows she is my life and I am her dog to kick.
She loves you for every second you give her. You can do NO wrong in her eyes. ...for now anyway. She cherishes every moment she is with you because deep down, she doesn't truly know when you will be around again. And she doesn't DARE hurt you or yell at you or back talk you. Shes too fucking afraid that you'll leave her. Shes too scared that you'll go away again. She's horrified she will never have her daddy back if she makes him angry.

I can't WAIT until she is old enough to hear and face the truth.
Until then, I will allow her to live this illusion of your fantastic fatherhood. Your brilliant, nurturing, loving ways. Never will she hear a negative remark about you. Ever.
However, I pray that when she does realize, and my God she will, how much of a scumbag piece of shit you really are, I truly pray for your heart. I hope what she says to you does not come close to what I have had to endure out of her mouth. Her hatred towards me because of YOU. You and your scumbag ways.
Fuck you. Fuck your sick fucking mental ways. Fuck your life, your everything.
I am done picking up your pieces and I am done sugarcoating your ways.
I should have sent you away a long time ago when I could have.
Oh and you can thank your daughter, you know... the beautiful angel you love to destroy.... yeah her... thank her someday for saving your life. Because on God Almighty above, You could have been dead 10x over already.

UNSETTLED

I am not quite sure what I was expecting.
He lives 2,000 miles away from me. We are world's apart it seems, and yet I have held onto what I thought was real for far too long. I feel like someone has punched me in the gut. I can't breathe. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest as well. It would never have worked out. Right?
He was my reason for trying so God Damned hard though. He was my reason for wanting something better than what I have right now. He was my hope for love...finally. He was why I woke up every morning smiling. I waited for his daily phone calls, text messages and emails like a child waiting for her presents on Christmas Day.
The moment I first heard his voice. The moment I saw his face. His eyes... they looked right into my soul it seemed. Everything I had ever hoped for.. Dreamed of... He fulfilled in a single conversation. At that time, the distance was a mere "road block". We were going to be together someday and make each other happy and complete. He was the half to my whole that I have been searching for for 31 years. He was everything I needed.
I couldn't wait any longer. Every time I wanted it to happen, SOMETHING, SOMEONE.. Whatever the reason... It just never did happen. Years of trying and hoping and dreaming all came crashing down tonight.
Tonight I said goodbye. I gave up. I threw the towel in. I had to. I couldn't bear playing this twisted game anymore. I couldn't bring myself to want it anymore. It became an effort. A job.
He can't forgive or get past the minor mistake that I made. He never will be able to and I finally saw it. I would constantly pay for something I never meant to do or not do for that matter) and I can't live that way. If that is what loving someone feels like, constant repayment or constant proof of how I truly feel, then I don't know that I want to fall in love.
...... I am sorry. I truly am. I just can't try to make you believe how sincere I am anymore. I don't know how to make it work. I don't know what to do or what to say. All I know is that I don't ever want to have to make someone believe what I say is the truth and sincere and from my heart. I want them to be able to look me in the eyes or hear it in my voice and KNOW that what I say is true.
Yes. Actions do speak louder than words. I definitely believe AND understand that, and if that is what you are holding me accountable for then I can handle that. I can't handle, however, the fact that now you will NEVER know within yourself, how very much I cared for you and how much you have affected my entire life. You will never TRULY know how much you meant to me. That I can not handle. I will forever be unsettled when it comes to you....
I just want you to be happy. It's all I have ever wanted.
Goodbye PCC.....

The Men in my life.....

STEVE

Being with Steve is my favorite time spent in my day. He makes me so comfortable and he allows me to be me. It is never dull. We always have fun and more importantly we love each other, yet know where we stand with each other. Steve is your typical Divorced bachelor. He wants his cake and he wants to devour all of the cupcakes around him also. I am his "Queen". I know this. But I will never be "enough" and lately it bothers me.
He is my husband type. He might be close to my soul mate. He fits all of the parts and he makes me happy and treats me the way I want to be treated. I want to take care of him and love him for the rest of my life. He will love me as long as I live but I will never completely have him. It never bothered me. At first it was just something to do. He kept me warm at night and we always had a good time when we were together. Now... I want more from him and I can't even ask him for it because it has always been clear from te beginning. He can offer me no more tan what I am getting. I agreed to that then and it wouldn't be fair for me to ask him to renegotiate our already solid contract.
I know I deserve better. I know I deserve his all. I would do anything for that. I am afraid that if I do bring that to the table again that he will let me go completely and I don't think I can live without him... which is why I have Patrick...

Patrick

Patrick is my Irish lover. I met Patrick through mutual friends and we immediately were in lust with each other. My relationship with Patrick was ONLY supposed to be a one time affair. It was NEVER supposed to involve feelings. It was all about our fantasies and what others couldn't do for us.
He grew attached. I wanted more of him. Feelings became apparent and well, lets just say that we are very close now. Very close. Sometimes its weird because he is very "brotherly". Brotherly meaning protective and nurturing. We have been through alot together. He is an outstanding dad and a spectacular friend. I would hate to think that someday we would drift apart. But I am afraid that it is already happening. I seem to have found reasons not to see him lately. I am not sure yet why or what the underlying reasons are but they'll surface soon I am sure. It's all probably for the best. I am confident about that.

Brian

My Brian. Brian and I have known each other since May of 1996. I crushed on him immediately. He came in for a hair cut and for 4 years starting that day, we were inseparable. He changed my entire view of men. When I met Brian I was so devastated with Hannah's Dad (Paul) and my relationship. Hannah was just born a month before I met Bri. He turned my world upside down and emotionally supported me and stuck by me through the tumultuous last months of Paul and I. He and I are still the best of friends. When we were a couple he made me so happy and loved me so much that it became scary for me. I am not sure if Love is what I felt for Brian. I loved him but I think I loved him for all of the wrong reasons. He taught me everything. I learned so much from him and I am so grateful for him being in my life. So grateful.

Rocco

He is the man I don't think I will ever have. People say, including him, that I only want him because I can't have him.
He IS the ultimate challenge for me. Those who know me best know that I do thrive from challenging situations.... And this my friends is the most challenging of them all. He truly is my soul mate. We instantly connected. A single phone conversation turned into 4 hours of us connecting and realizing how special this could truly be. He makes me think. He makes me want to be better. He makes me want to make it happen. Here's the dilemma . .. Rocco lives clear across the country... Literally. He lives East of LA on the beach... where I want to be but don't think I ever will be again. Living in Boston seems to be my destiny and Rocco has made it clear that he will never leave Cali. See where the problem is? I don't know when my desire and longing to be with Rocco will subside. The connection and feelings I have for him lead me to believe that it is highly unlikely that I will ever let him go completely.

Some things that wouldn't fit in the "About Me" section

I am stupendously complicated. I am the funniest person you will ever meet. I love to laugh. I am a single mother. I have one beautiful and amazing daughter. I have never been in love. I can't wait to know what that feels like. I love mustard on my hotdogs, onions on my pizza. I love fake eyelashes, make up and fuzzy socks. I love to kiss in the rain. I love to catch snowflakes on my tongue. I love to skinny dip in the Atlantic Ocean in the wee hours of the night. I love twirling my hair. I love the feeling of satin on my skin. I sleep crooked in bed and need atleast 5 pillows. I don't like the way shoes feel on my feet but I love the way they look so I have a bazillion pairs. I like coordination, although I don't have much. I like apples and carrotsticks. Lobster and wine. Fried Dough and egg nog. I don't like Caviar or Champagne... unless you put a strawberry in the champagne.. then I can drink it. I love Mexico and I can't wait to go to Italy someday. I will only go to Italy when I fall in love and he comes with me. I alphabetize my cd's and dvd's. I dislike laundry on the floor, dishes in the sink, seaweed, and the sound of teeth grinding or nails scraping. I tend to push people away. I don't have an explanation for why but I am trying to work on it. I am also trying to stop cussing and smoking cigarettes. I guess I could have alot worse "fixes" but I am still trying to quit smoking. It nauseates me. I don't know why I even do it. I want to live in Miami someday on the beach and vacation in Las Vegas, California and Hamilton Bermuda. I want to get the hell out of Boston thats for sure. It's just so hard for me because I have so much much family and a huge support system for my daughter and I. I love to write. It is my saving grace. Truly. It cleanses me and gives me a sense of security and freedom. Someday I would love to finish my book.
But... I am a procrastinator and my past experience with hopes and dreams?? Well let's just say I don't have such a great track record...

Under Rug Swept

The time has come for me to start anew.
A Clean slate perhaps? Oh who knows. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Nobody does. I just know now that this crazy world has brought so much to my lap and Now I am trying to decipher what the good is and where to place all of the bad.
I love blogging. I always seem to feel so much better after I vent my world into words that only I truly feel and understand. Yes. You might be able to relate to what I am writing but I am the only one who truly feels my words.
Writing to me is my ultimate escape. It is my safety net from all around me. It keeps me warm when I feel cold. It makes me smile when I am sad and it relieves my anger tremendously when I am mad at the world. And mad at the world I am.... alot.
Why? I can't really pin point the reasons at the moment. I am sure you will read eventually the reasons, from my point of view. You may not even agree with me on alot of things, however I will guarantee that my life will entertain you and maybe help you in alot of ways. My trials, my errors, my smooth roads and the bumpiest ones too. The mistakes I have made...that I will make again I am certain, will hopefully reach out to someone. I want my world and my life, my love, my honor, my heart and my mind, if nothing else, to be someone elses knowledge. I know that sounds crazy. I just wish for everyone, what I never had. A sense of knowing. A sense of understanding. My name is Katie. I am 31 years old. I have seen more things in my 31 years than a ninety year old woman will see in her lifetime. I lived the life of Riley, I have lived in the streets. I have been in a homeless shelter, I have lived in a mansion. I was raised by loving parents and given wonderful opportunities and I have blown most of them.
I am a single mother to a beautiful, talented, amazing daughter. My daughter saved my life. She is my world, my heart and my entire life.
What do I want in life?
I want happiness. I want to wake up every day and not have to worry. I want laughter. I want love. I can't wait to fall in love. When will that happen? hahaha! I ask myself that question every day of my life....
I don't know if it will ever truly happen to me but I embrace the hope that lives deep inside of my heart....
The three things that I hope, dream, wish and yearn for sound so simple to me. Love, Laughter and Happiness. Such simple words yet are by far the most difficult things to come by...for me anyway.
Well.. There you have it. The short summary of who I am and what I am searching for.... I only hope and pray that my next 30 years are easier and full of good friendships and lots of love and happiness. ... and of course laughter.