UNSETTLED

I am not quite sure what I was expecting.
He lives 2,000 miles away from me. We are world's apart it seems, and yet I have held onto what I thought was real for far too long. I feel like someone has punched me in the gut. I can't breathe. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest as well. It would never have worked out. Right?
He was my reason for trying so God Damned hard though. He was my reason for wanting something better than what I have right now. He was my hope for love...finally. He was why I woke up every morning smiling. I waited for his daily phone calls, text messages and emails like a child waiting for her presents on Christmas Day.
The moment I first heard his voice. The moment I saw his face. His eyes... they looked right into my soul it seemed. Everything I had ever hoped for.. Dreamed of... He fulfilled in a single conversation. At that time, the distance was a mere "road block". We were going to be together someday and make each other happy and complete. He was the half to my whole that I have been searching for for 31 years. He was everything I needed.
I couldn't wait any longer. Every time I wanted it to happen, SOMETHING, SOMEONE.. Whatever the reason... It just never did happen. Years of trying and hoping and dreaming all came crashing down tonight.
Tonight I said goodbye. I gave up. I threw the towel in. I had to. I couldn't bear playing this twisted game anymore. I couldn't bring myself to want it anymore. It became an effort. A job.
He can't forgive or get past the minor mistake that I made. He never will be able to and I finally saw it. I would constantly pay for something I never meant to do or not do for that matter) and I can't live that way. If that is what loving someone feels like, constant repayment or constant proof of how I truly feel, then I don't know that I want to fall in love.
...... I am sorry. I truly am. I just can't try to make you believe how sincere I am anymore. I don't know how to make it work. I don't know what to do or what to say. All I know is that I don't ever want to have to make someone believe what I say is the truth and sincere and from my heart. I want them to be able to look me in the eyes or hear it in my voice and KNOW that what I say is true.
Yes. Actions do speak louder than words. I definitely believe AND understand that, and if that is what you are holding me accountable for then I can handle that. I can't handle, however, the fact that now you will NEVER know within yourself, how very much I cared for you and how much you have affected my entire life. You will never TRULY know how much you meant to me. That I can not handle. I will forever be unsettled when it comes to you....
I just want you to be happy. It's all I have ever wanted.
Goodbye PCC.....