It's been awhile

Things have been exciting, new, full of hope and full of surprises. I met someone.
He was actually my very first boyfriend from over 15 years ago. Weird. I don't understand life sometimes. I met him again through a mutual friend and well, we haven't been apart since. It was a year February 16, 2009. Strange how relationships keep you from being connected to the things that you long for and love the most. Is that how it is supposed to happen?
I was so happy and excited and full of life the first months of our relationship. I couldn't wait to get home from work just so I could be with him again. It went so unbelievably fast my head is still spinning a year later. I do wish that we would have taken it a lot slower.
He never really left my house since the day that we first met again. We actually bit the bullet and went a got a house "together" in November. I hate to think it was a rather large mistake, but, I truly think it was. We have been butting heads. His jealousy and insecurity is driving me insane. I feel like a smothered flame with hardly any spark left. I can't breathe. I miss my writing. I miss my venting. I miss being free to speak my mind and say how I am really feeling. I want to be alone but I am so afraid to be lonely again.
I know that he is a wonderful man. I know he has his past and his past isn't great. I know his hopes and dreams but I don't know his goals. I hate that someone wouldn't want goals. I mean who says we have to actually reach any particular goal? To me, the journey towards reaching them whether I do or not is sufficient and accomplishing. He is content with the way his life is right now.
Let me just explain a little. When I met him he was working 1 night a week at a bar down in Hyannis. I didn't have a problem with that until he was "living" in my home. I wanted him there but I wanted him to want MORE. Finally I "convinced" him to find a steady paying, I don't know, Fulltime job perhaps? He worked there for awhile, then didn't like it so found something else, didn't like that job so much so landed at this place he is currently employed. He's been at this job since September of 2008. so far so good.... except that sometimes he can't go into work because of the weather or there isn 't much work there. . . . I know. I should be grateful he has a job at all right? At any rate, I want him to want MORE. He gets so angry when I tell him that I want more. More for my self, my daughter, for him. I want everything. And hey, nobody said I was going to have everything, but whose to say that if I don't try right? I have no expectations of the world. I just want more of it. Will I get it? Maybe. Maybe not but I feel like if I don't atleast TRY to obtain something more, I'll never know.
He is loving and caring and just treats me so great sometimes. Then he turns angry and mean and immature. When we fight or argue, I feel as though I am 17 again fighting with my greaser boyfriend with a chain wallet and chucks on. I feel like everything I say is wrong and everything he says is right and no matter what evidence or proof I have to back up my theories or arguments, I am a liar...still.
To be honest and I mean completely honest, this relationship is exhausting and stressful. I truly feel short of breath and tense constantly. My blood pressure is up and I am depressed.
One would tell me just to leave him. Be alone for awhile right? I know. It sounds so simple. We have a bond though. And then there are the good, great and awesome times to consider. We have Hannah to consider. She has grown extremely fond and close to him.
I'm so angry. I am so MAD. I don't know why I get myself into these prediciments constantly. I can't stand my life right now. I truly CANNOT stand it. I have no out. I can never go on the computer because then I'd be cheating on him. When I come home for work I cook, clean and get everyone settled. All I want to do is come blog my feelings whether good or bad. Writing is what cleanses me from all of the negativity believe it or not. It works for me. It really does. Even when I am just talking about what I did today or what I didn't do. It makes me feel better. But he wants me with him every single minute. At first it was sweet but I am beginning to feel like I am no longer my own person. I am feeling like I have lost a sense of myself that used to be the only part of me that made me tick.
How is it that when you think that everything is going awesome and then boom! You come back down from the cloud and realize your life is in shambles?
I don't know what to do. I want to know what to do but I just don't.
Do I want to be alone? No. I don't, but I certainly didn't see myself living this way. That's for damn sure.