Have I enlightened you yet about my dysfunctional family? Probably not because I really have nothing nice to say about that subject.
My mother is crazy, emotionally abusive, nagging, uncontrollable, angry, bitter and just a bitch. I have an identical twin sister who despite my avid and consistent efforts to be close to her, hates my guts. Why? I probably will never know. My other sister is a gossip shit stirrer. My oldest sister is little Miss Perfect Mom who has nothing but excuses and is the most selfish person I know. My other sister is literally mental. Se has every ailment and psychological disorder under the sun. My father is dead. Lucky fucking him.
It all boils down to my psychopathic, manic depressive, super bi polar mother who raised us in that mentality. CHAOTIC AND PSYCHOTIC. I look back on my childhood and you know what I remember about my mother? I remember her yelling and sitting at the kitchen table, smoking a cigarette, drinking a cup of coffee and repeating loudly, over and over how much she hates her life. How much she HATES her kids. I actually remember my dad saying the same thing the last few weeks of his life. My mother destroyed my self esteem. I was never good enough. I never did enough. I was never skinny enough, pretty enough. My father used to say I was useless and a half wit. I was dumb. I would never amount to anything.... So what did I do? I went to the first person who gave me attention and promised me love. Oh but another fucking miserable mistake.
Was I loved? Yes. I know they loved us. We wanted for nothing. We had the world. We just didn't have the support and the nurturing needed to GROW UP.
I was angry for so long. I still am so ANGRY. I am mad! I hate. I despise. I have NEVER had a normal, loving relationship. I never had anyone truly love me for me. I always have a guard up and I close down FAST. I am so fucking sick of being hurt.
My family s\ucks. They really do. I am not perfect by any means but I also believe it is NOT OUR FAULT. It's not my fault I am rageful and can't hold a relationship for too long. It is not my fault 2 of my sisters are young raging alcoholics. It is not my other sisters fault for PTSD and anxiety disorder. And It is not my other sisters fault for being a controlling, selfish, martar.
It is my mothers fault. She was a mean, horrible, sad, bitter woman.
I truly despise her for the way that I am.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Why is it so hard?
I am a single mother of the most super rad daughter on the planet. For her entire life I have worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs at a time and currently, working 2. I am exhausted. I am 32 years old and I feel 90. Truly, I do. I am miserable. I want to be happy. Is that so much to ask for? I don't want to be a millionaire, I don't want to be rich, I just want to live happily and without struggling. How am I in debt? How am I living paycheck to payheck and WHY? I make good money, at both jobs.
Hannah and I are both sick. Chest Colds, sinus cold, headaches and just feel yucky. I have great insurane... ha! Well so they tell me. I can't believe how much money I have spent on prescriptions and co-pays alone sine June of this year. It's shocking. Ok. Ok... Let me rewind a bit. My life is a whirlwind, but that doesn't mean I have to confuse you.
June 2009- June 5, 2009 to be exact I was hospitalized for some "mystery" illness. I was short of breath, getting 70% of oxygen with 10 liters of oxygen intake... ridiculous and SHOCKING.... as well as scary. No one knew why. No one could figure out why I was so ill. I was shot up with more meds, steroids, etc.. and yet nobody, no doctor, nurse, specialist ould figure it out.... so My mom steps in and says "I want her transported to Mass General Hospital in Boston, immediately".... The Doctors had no explanation and absolutely agreed.
After spending 5 long and miserable days at this small city hospital, I am transferred to Mass General and immediately swept away for CT Sans, MRI's and MRA's with and without contrast on my lungs, chest and brain. On June 11, 2009 I was diagnosed with pneumonia, collapsed lung, and 2 brain aneurysms. Ummm Hello? Random? I wasn't even having the typial symptoms of pneumonia. First of all I was a preemie at birth and my lungs have NEVER fully matured according to the pulmonary Doctor at Mass General. Second of all I suffer from bronchitis yearly but usually in the Fall months... and I have had many cases of pneumonia throughout my 32 years... and it hurts. It is a painful illness. I didn;t feel the pain, I wasn't coughing, there was no sure signs of pneumonia or any upper respiratory infections so to mee that DX seems like a crok of shit... Really. I don't believe I ever had pneumonia. But I am also not a doctor. Anyway, I leave Mass general after 8 longs days in 2 different hospitals with a long list of speialist referrals and medications. 3 different inhalers, antibiotics, steroids, oh the list goes on and on. I spent, (NO LIE) almost $210.00 at CVS the FIRST DAY out of the hospital. The following week, after seeing 2 different specialists, one a pulmonologist and the other a neurologist, and one lumbar puncture later, I am told to stop the medications I was prescribed a week earlier and give these new ones a try... $110.00 now because OF COURSE, no substitution or generics for the one I A PRESCRIBED right? RIIIIIGHT....
So at this point I am sooooo over mediation and doctors for that matter......
Still am NOT feeling 100% .... in fact I would be lying if I said I was feeling 50%. I feel LOUSY. Physically and mentally UNWELL. I am exhausted, sik and tired of being sick and tired and well... BROKE.
I applied for Short term disability from my work on August 31st because after my hospital stay in June and going back to work, the migraines, and shortness of breath continued and the aneurysms seemed to be causing some concentration, or lack thereof, issues and I was really becoming frustrated mentally due to my illness because I just did not feel like myself and it brought my professionalism and quality down to a level I just didn't want to settle with.
Anxiety, Panic, Stress sort of took over me. OBVIOUSLY financial hardship is the main cause to my stress as well as the fear of my aneurysms.
I have become quite obsessed with Aneurysms. It's gross. My life revolves around my fear of driving down the street and my aneurysms rupturing and me getting in a car aident and killing a wonderful family of 5. This is my irrational fear. Is it REALLY irrational though?
I am afraid to leave my house because I am afraid I will have a panic attack (which by the way I am on mediation for too now... Another 100 bucks for meds)... I had to leave my shopping cart full of food in the aisle of the supermarket because I was starting to hyperventilate worrying and panicking... Why? NO IDEA. I can't figure out what the trigger is.
I am hot mess CONSTANTLY!
Daily activities are becoming more of a hassle to me. Going out with friends is OUT of the question. I am so afraid I will have a panic attack and be humiliated in front of my friends and strangers. I REALLY think about these things constantly.
Not one hour goes by that I don't worry about worrying about worrying.
I worry, I am sared, I am so alone nowadays and it is so OUT OF MY NORM. I am, or once was such an extravert. I LOVE PEOPLE. Now I am so afraid.
Why?
When will things be easier for me? I am WAY TOO YOUNG to have to endure this worry and stress and sadness.
I am sad. I am sad because I am afraid. I am afraid beause I worry and I worry because I don't know how to make things better.
I just want to make things better.
Hannah and I are both sick. Chest Colds, sinus cold, headaches and just feel yucky. I have great insurane... ha! Well so they tell me. I can't believe how much money I have spent on prescriptions and co-pays alone sine June of this year. It's shocking. Ok. Ok... Let me rewind a bit. My life is a whirlwind, but that doesn't mean I have to confuse you.
June 2009- June 5, 2009 to be exact I was hospitalized for some "mystery" illness. I was short of breath, getting 70% of oxygen with 10 liters of oxygen intake... ridiculous and SHOCKING.... as well as scary. No one knew why. No one could figure out why I was so ill. I was shot up with more meds, steroids, etc.. and yet nobody, no doctor, nurse, specialist ould figure it out.... so My mom steps in and says "I want her transported to Mass General Hospital in Boston, immediately".... The Doctors had no explanation and absolutely agreed.
After spending 5 long and miserable days at this small city hospital, I am transferred to Mass General and immediately swept away for CT Sans, MRI's and MRA's with and without contrast on my lungs, chest and brain. On June 11, 2009 I was diagnosed with pneumonia, collapsed lung, and 2 brain aneurysms. Ummm Hello? Random? I wasn't even having the typial symptoms of pneumonia. First of all I was a preemie at birth and my lungs have NEVER fully matured according to the pulmonary Doctor at Mass General. Second of all I suffer from bronchitis yearly but usually in the Fall months... and I have had many cases of pneumonia throughout my 32 years... and it hurts. It is a painful illness. I didn;t feel the pain, I wasn't coughing, there was no sure signs of pneumonia or any upper respiratory infections so to mee that DX seems like a crok of shit... Really. I don't believe I ever had pneumonia. But I am also not a doctor. Anyway, I leave Mass general after 8 longs days in 2 different hospitals with a long list of speialist referrals and medications. 3 different inhalers, antibiotics, steroids, oh the list goes on and on. I spent, (NO LIE) almost $210.00 at CVS the FIRST DAY out of the hospital. The following week, after seeing 2 different specialists, one a pulmonologist and the other a neurologist, and one lumbar puncture later, I am told to stop the medications I was prescribed a week earlier and give these new ones a try... $110.00 now because OF COURSE, no substitution or generics for the one I A PRESCRIBED right? RIIIIIGHT....
So at this point I am sooooo over mediation and doctors for that matter......
Still am NOT feeling 100% .... in fact I would be lying if I said I was feeling 50%. I feel LOUSY. Physically and mentally UNWELL. I am exhausted, sik and tired of being sick and tired and well... BROKE.
I applied for Short term disability from my work on August 31st because after my hospital stay in June and going back to work, the migraines, and shortness of breath continued and the aneurysms seemed to be causing some concentration, or lack thereof, issues and I was really becoming frustrated mentally due to my illness because I just did not feel like myself and it brought my professionalism and quality down to a level I just didn't want to settle with.
Anxiety, Panic, Stress sort of took over me. OBVIOUSLY financial hardship is the main cause to my stress as well as the fear of my aneurysms.
I have become quite obsessed with Aneurysms. It's gross. My life revolves around my fear of driving down the street and my aneurysms rupturing and me getting in a car aident and killing a wonderful family of 5. This is my irrational fear. Is it REALLY irrational though?
I am afraid to leave my house because I am afraid I will have a panic attack (which by the way I am on mediation for too now... Another 100 bucks for meds)... I had to leave my shopping cart full of food in the aisle of the supermarket because I was starting to hyperventilate worrying and panicking... Why? NO IDEA. I can't figure out what the trigger is.
I am hot mess CONSTANTLY!
Daily activities are becoming more of a hassle to me. Going out with friends is OUT of the question. I am so afraid I will have a panic attack and be humiliated in front of my friends and strangers. I REALLY think about these things constantly.
Not one hour goes by that I don't worry about worrying about worrying.
I worry, I am sared, I am so alone nowadays and it is so OUT OF MY NORM. I am, or once was such an extravert. I LOVE PEOPLE. Now I am so afraid.
Why?
When will things be easier for me? I am WAY TOO YOUNG to have to endure this worry and stress and sadness.
I am sad. I am sad because I am afraid. I am afraid beause I worry and I worry because I don't know how to make things better.
I just want to make things better.
Black Cloud's have to go away right?
It seems as if a horrific Black cloud is following me around and quite frankly, I am sick of it. I have been plagued with bad luck and struggle for almost 15 years now. I am curious when and IF the sun will shine through this nasty cloud anytime soon or atleast at some point in my future?
Friday, September 4, 2009
9/3/09 New England Patriot's Game
Happy Birthday to my sister Amy O! Love you and had a blast last night at the game!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
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