TEMPORARY INSANITY

Have I enlightened you yet about my dysfunctional family? Probably not because I really have nothing nice to say about that subject.
My mother is crazy, emotionally abusive, nagging, uncontrollable, angry, bitter and just a bitch. I have an identical twin sister who despite my avid and consistent efforts to be close to her, hates my guts. Why? I probably will never know. My other sister is a gossip shit stirrer. My oldest sister is little Miss Perfect Mom who has nothing but excuses and is the most selfish person I know. My other sister is literally mental. Se has every ailment and psychological disorder under the sun. My father is dead. Lucky fucking him.
It all boils down to my psychopathic, manic depressive, super bi polar mother who raised us in that mentality. CHAOTIC AND PSYCHOTIC. I look back on my childhood and you know what I remember about my mother? I remember her yelling and sitting at the kitchen table, smoking a cigarette, drinking a cup of coffee and repeating loudly, over and over how much she hates her life. How much she HATES her kids. I actually remember my dad saying the same thing the last few weeks of his life. My mother destroyed my self esteem. I was never good enough. I never did enough. I was never skinny enough, pretty enough. My father used to say I was useless and a half wit. I was dumb. I would never amount to anything.... So what did I do? I went to the first person who gave me attention and promised me love. Oh but another fucking miserable mistake.
Was I loved? Yes. I know they loved us. We wanted for nothing. We had the world. We just didn't have the support and the nurturing needed to GROW UP.
I was angry for so long. I still am so ANGRY. I am mad! I hate. I despise. I have NEVER had a normal, loving relationship. I never had anyone truly love me for me. I always have a guard up and I close down FAST. I am so fucking sick of being hurt.
My family s\ucks. They really do. I am not perfect by any means but I also believe it is NOT OUR FAULT. It's not my fault I am rageful and can't hold a relationship for too long. It is not my fault 2 of my sisters are young raging alcoholics. It is not my other sisters fault for PTSD and anxiety disorder. And It is not my other sisters fault for being a controlling, selfish, martar.
It is my mothers fault. She was a mean, horrible, sad, bitter woman.
I truly despise her for the way that I am.