Have I enlightened you yet about my dysfunctional family? Probably not because I really have nothing nice to say about that subject.
My mother is crazy, emotionally abusive, nagging, uncontrollable, angry, bitter and just a bitch. I have an identical twin sister who despite my avid and consistent efforts to be close to her, hates my guts. Why? I probably will never know. My other sister is a gossip shit stirrer. My oldest sister is little Miss Perfect Mom who has nothing but excuses and is the most selfish person I know. My other sister is literally mental. Se has every ailment and psychological disorder under the sun. My father is dead. Lucky fucking him.
It all boils down to my psychopathic, manic depressive, super bi polar mother who raised us in that mentality. CHAOTIC AND PSYCHOTIC. I look back on my childhood and you know what I remember about my mother? I remember her yelling and sitting at the kitchen table, smoking a cigarette, drinking a cup of coffee and repeating loudly, over and over how much she hates her life. How much she HATES her kids. I actually remember my dad saying the same thing the last few weeks of his life. My mother destroyed my self esteem. I was never good enough. I never did enough. I was never skinny enough, pretty enough. My father used to say I was useless and a half wit. I was dumb. I would never amount to anything.... So what did I do? I went to the first person who gave me attention and promised me love. Oh but another fucking miserable mistake.
Was I loved? Yes. I know they loved us. We wanted for nothing. We had the world. We just didn't have the support and the nurturing needed to GROW UP.
I was angry for so long. I still am so ANGRY. I am mad! I hate. I despise. I have NEVER had a normal, loving relationship. I never had anyone truly love me for me. I always have a guard up and I close down FAST. I am so fucking sick of being hurt.
My family s\ucks. They really do. I am not perfect by any means but I also believe it is NOT OUR FAULT. It's not my fault I am rageful and can't hold a relationship for too long. It is not my fault 2 of my sisters are young raging alcoholics. It is not my other sisters fault for PTSD and anxiety disorder. And It is not my other sisters fault for being a controlling, selfish, martar.
It is my mothers fault. She was a mean, horrible, sad, bitter woman.
I truly despise her for the way that I am.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Why is it so hard?
I am a single mother of the most super rad daughter on the planet. For her entire life I have worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs at a time and currently, working 2. I am exhausted. I am 32 years old and I feel 90. Truly, I do. I am miserable. I want to be happy. Is that so much to ask for? I don't want to be a millionaire, I don't want to be rich, I just want to live happily and without struggling. How am I in debt? How am I living paycheck to payheck and WHY? I make good money, at both jobs.
Hannah and I are both sick. Chest Colds, sinus cold, headaches and just feel yucky. I have great insurane... ha! Well so they tell me. I can't believe how much money I have spent on prescriptions and co-pays alone sine June of this year. It's shocking. Ok. Ok... Let me rewind a bit. My life is a whirlwind, but that doesn't mean I have to confuse you.
June 2009- June 5, 2009 to be exact I was hospitalized for some "mystery" illness. I was short of breath, getting 70% of oxygen with 10 liters of oxygen intake... ridiculous and SHOCKING.... as well as scary. No one knew why. No one could figure out why I was so ill. I was shot up with more meds, steroids, etc.. and yet nobody, no doctor, nurse, specialist ould figure it out.... so My mom steps in and says "I want her transported to Mass General Hospital in Boston, immediately".... The Doctors had no explanation and absolutely agreed.
After spending 5 long and miserable days at this small city hospital, I am transferred to Mass General and immediately swept away for CT Sans, MRI's and MRA's with and without contrast on my lungs, chest and brain. On June 11, 2009 I was diagnosed with pneumonia, collapsed lung, and 2 brain aneurysms. Ummm Hello? Random? I wasn't even having the typial symptoms of pneumonia. First of all I was a preemie at birth and my lungs have NEVER fully matured according to the pulmonary Doctor at Mass General. Second of all I suffer from bronchitis yearly but usually in the Fall months... and I have had many cases of pneumonia throughout my 32 years... and it hurts. It is a painful illness. I didn;t feel the pain, I wasn't coughing, there was no sure signs of pneumonia or any upper respiratory infections so to mee that DX seems like a crok of shit... Really. I don't believe I ever had pneumonia. But I am also not a doctor. Anyway, I leave Mass general after 8 longs days in 2 different hospitals with a long list of speialist referrals and medications. 3 different inhalers, antibiotics, steroids, oh the list goes on and on. I spent, (NO LIE) almost $210.00 at CVS the FIRST DAY out of the hospital. The following week, after seeing 2 different specialists, one a pulmonologist and the other a neurologist, and one lumbar puncture later, I am told to stop the medications I was prescribed a week earlier and give these new ones a try... $110.00 now because OF COURSE, no substitution or generics for the one I A PRESCRIBED right? RIIIIIGHT....
So at this point I am sooooo over mediation and doctors for that matter......
Still am NOT feeling 100% .... in fact I would be lying if I said I was feeling 50%. I feel LOUSY. Physically and mentally UNWELL. I am exhausted, sik and tired of being sick and tired and well... BROKE.
I applied for Short term disability from my work on August 31st because after my hospital stay in June and going back to work, the migraines, and shortness of breath continued and the aneurysms seemed to be causing some concentration, or lack thereof, issues and I was really becoming frustrated mentally due to my illness because I just did not feel like myself and it brought my professionalism and quality down to a level I just didn't want to settle with.
Anxiety, Panic, Stress sort of took over me. OBVIOUSLY financial hardship is the main cause to my stress as well as the fear of my aneurysms.
I have become quite obsessed with Aneurysms. It's gross. My life revolves around my fear of driving down the street and my aneurysms rupturing and me getting in a car aident and killing a wonderful family of 5. This is my irrational fear. Is it REALLY irrational though?
I am afraid to leave my house because I am afraid I will have a panic attack (which by the way I am on mediation for too now... Another 100 bucks for meds)... I had to leave my shopping cart full of food in the aisle of the supermarket because I was starting to hyperventilate worrying and panicking... Why? NO IDEA. I can't figure out what the trigger is.
I am hot mess CONSTANTLY!
Daily activities are becoming more of a hassle to me. Going out with friends is OUT of the question. I am so afraid I will have a panic attack and be humiliated in front of my friends and strangers. I REALLY think about these things constantly.
Not one hour goes by that I don't worry about worrying about worrying.
I worry, I am sared, I am so alone nowadays and it is so OUT OF MY NORM. I am, or once was such an extravert. I LOVE PEOPLE. Now I am so afraid.
Why?
When will things be easier for me? I am WAY TOO YOUNG to have to endure this worry and stress and sadness.
I am sad. I am sad because I am afraid. I am afraid beause I worry and I worry because I don't know how to make things better.
I just want to make things better.
Hannah and I are both sick. Chest Colds, sinus cold, headaches and just feel yucky. I have great insurane... ha! Well so they tell me. I can't believe how much money I have spent on prescriptions and co-pays alone sine June of this year. It's shocking. Ok. Ok... Let me rewind a bit. My life is a whirlwind, but that doesn't mean I have to confuse you.
June 2009- June 5, 2009 to be exact I was hospitalized for some "mystery" illness. I was short of breath, getting 70% of oxygen with 10 liters of oxygen intake... ridiculous and SHOCKING.... as well as scary. No one knew why. No one could figure out why I was so ill. I was shot up with more meds, steroids, etc.. and yet nobody, no doctor, nurse, specialist ould figure it out.... so My mom steps in and says "I want her transported to Mass General Hospital in Boston, immediately".... The Doctors had no explanation and absolutely agreed.
After spending 5 long and miserable days at this small city hospital, I am transferred to Mass General and immediately swept away for CT Sans, MRI's and MRA's with and without contrast on my lungs, chest and brain. On June 11, 2009 I was diagnosed with pneumonia, collapsed lung, and 2 brain aneurysms. Ummm Hello? Random? I wasn't even having the typial symptoms of pneumonia. First of all I was a preemie at birth and my lungs have NEVER fully matured according to the pulmonary Doctor at Mass General. Second of all I suffer from bronchitis yearly but usually in the Fall months... and I have had many cases of pneumonia throughout my 32 years... and it hurts. It is a painful illness. I didn;t feel the pain, I wasn't coughing, there was no sure signs of pneumonia or any upper respiratory infections so to mee that DX seems like a crok of shit... Really. I don't believe I ever had pneumonia. But I am also not a doctor. Anyway, I leave Mass general after 8 longs days in 2 different hospitals with a long list of speialist referrals and medications. 3 different inhalers, antibiotics, steroids, oh the list goes on and on. I spent, (NO LIE) almost $210.00 at CVS the FIRST DAY out of the hospital. The following week, after seeing 2 different specialists, one a pulmonologist and the other a neurologist, and one lumbar puncture later, I am told to stop the medications I was prescribed a week earlier and give these new ones a try... $110.00 now because OF COURSE, no substitution or generics for the one I A PRESCRIBED right? RIIIIIGHT....
So at this point I am sooooo over mediation and doctors for that matter......
Still am NOT feeling 100% .... in fact I would be lying if I said I was feeling 50%. I feel LOUSY. Physically and mentally UNWELL. I am exhausted, sik and tired of being sick and tired and well... BROKE.
I applied for Short term disability from my work on August 31st because after my hospital stay in June and going back to work, the migraines, and shortness of breath continued and the aneurysms seemed to be causing some concentration, or lack thereof, issues and I was really becoming frustrated mentally due to my illness because I just did not feel like myself and it brought my professionalism and quality down to a level I just didn't want to settle with.
Anxiety, Panic, Stress sort of took over me. OBVIOUSLY financial hardship is the main cause to my stress as well as the fear of my aneurysms.
I have become quite obsessed with Aneurysms. It's gross. My life revolves around my fear of driving down the street and my aneurysms rupturing and me getting in a car aident and killing a wonderful family of 5. This is my irrational fear. Is it REALLY irrational though?
I am afraid to leave my house because I am afraid I will have a panic attack (which by the way I am on mediation for too now... Another 100 bucks for meds)... I had to leave my shopping cart full of food in the aisle of the supermarket because I was starting to hyperventilate worrying and panicking... Why? NO IDEA. I can't figure out what the trigger is.
I am hot mess CONSTANTLY!
Daily activities are becoming more of a hassle to me. Going out with friends is OUT of the question. I am so afraid I will have a panic attack and be humiliated in front of my friends and strangers. I REALLY think about these things constantly.
Not one hour goes by that I don't worry about worrying about worrying.
I worry, I am sared, I am so alone nowadays and it is so OUT OF MY NORM. I am, or once was such an extravert. I LOVE PEOPLE. Now I am so afraid.
Why?
When will things be easier for me? I am WAY TOO YOUNG to have to endure this worry and stress and sadness.
I am sad. I am sad because I am afraid. I am afraid beause I worry and I worry because I don't know how to make things better.
I just want to make things better.
Black Cloud's have to go away right?
It seems as if a horrific Black cloud is following me around and quite frankly, I am sick of it. I have been plagued with bad luck and struggle for almost 15 years now. I am curious when and IF the sun will shine through this nasty cloud anytime soon or atleast at some point in my future?
Friday, September 4, 2009
9/3/09 New England Patriot's Game
Happy Birthday to my sister Amy O! Love you and had a blast last night at the game!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
It's been awhile
Things have been exciting, new, full of hope and full of surprises. I met someone.
He was actually my very first boyfriend from over 15 years ago. Weird. I don't understand life sometimes. I met him again through a mutual friend and well, we haven't been apart since. It was a year February 16, 2009. Strange how relationships keep you from being connected to the things that you long for and love the most. Is that how it is supposed to happen?
I was so happy and excited and full of life the first months of our relationship. I couldn't wait to get home from work just so I could be with him again. It went so unbelievably fast my head is still spinning a year later. I do wish that we would have taken it a lot slower.
He never really left my house since the day that we first met again. We actually bit the bullet and went a got a house "together" in November. I hate to think it was a rather large mistake, but, I truly think it was. We have been butting heads. His jealousy and insecurity is driving me insane. I feel like a smothered flame with hardly any spark left. I can't breathe. I miss my writing. I miss my venting. I miss being free to speak my mind and say how I am really feeling. I want to be alone but I am so afraid to be lonely again.
I know that he is a wonderful man. I know he has his past and his past isn't great. I know his hopes and dreams but I don't know his goals. I hate that someone wouldn't want goals. I mean who says we have to actually reach any particular goal? To me, the journey towards reaching them whether I do or not is sufficient and accomplishing. He is content with the way his life is right now.
Let me just explain a little. When I met him he was working 1 night a week at a bar down in Hyannis. I didn't have a problem with that until he was "living" in my home. I wanted him there but I wanted him to want MORE. Finally I "convinced" him to find a steady paying, I don't know, Fulltime job perhaps? He worked there for awhile, then didn't like it so found something else, didn't like that job so much so landed at this place he is currently employed. He's been at this job since September of 2008. so far so good.... except that sometimes he can't go into work because of the weather or there isn 't much work there. . . . I know. I should be grateful he has a job at all right? At any rate, I want him to want MORE. He gets so angry when I tell him that I want more. More for my self, my daughter, for him. I want everything. And hey, nobody said I was going to have everything, but whose to say that if I don't try right? I have no expectations of the world. I just want more of it. Will I get it? Maybe. Maybe not but I feel like if I don't atleast TRY to obtain something more, I'll never know.
He is loving and caring and just treats me so great sometimes. Then he turns angry and mean and immature. When we fight or argue, I feel as though I am 17 again fighting with my greaser boyfriend with a chain wallet and chucks on. I feel like everything I say is wrong and everything he says is right and no matter what evidence or proof I have to back up my theories or arguments, I am a liar...still.
To be honest and I mean completely honest, this relationship is exhausting and stressful. I truly feel short of breath and tense constantly. My blood pressure is up and I am depressed.
One would tell me just to leave him. Be alone for awhile right? I know. It sounds so simple. We have a bond though. And then there are the good, great and awesome times to consider. We have Hannah to consider. She has grown extremely fond and close to him.
I'm so angry. I am so MAD. I don't know why I get myself into these prediciments constantly. I can't stand my life right now. I truly CANNOT stand it. I have no out. I can never go on the computer because then I'd be cheating on him. When I come home for work I cook, clean and get everyone settled. All I want to do is come blog my feelings whether good or bad. Writing is what cleanses me from all of the negativity believe it or not. It works for me. It really does. Even when I am just talking about what I did today or what I didn't do. It makes me feel better. But he wants me with him every single minute. At first it was sweet but I am beginning to feel like I am no longer my own person. I am feeling like I have lost a sense of myself that used to be the only part of me that made me tick.
How is it that when you think that everything is going awesome and then boom! You come back down from the cloud and realize your life is in shambles?
I don't know what to do. I want to know what to do but I just don't.
Do I want to be alone? No. I don't, but I certainly didn't see myself living this way. That's for damn sure.
He was actually my very first boyfriend from over 15 years ago. Weird. I don't understand life sometimes. I met him again through a mutual friend and well, we haven't been apart since. It was a year February 16, 2009. Strange how relationships keep you from being connected to the things that you long for and love the most. Is that how it is supposed to happen?
I was so happy and excited and full of life the first months of our relationship. I couldn't wait to get home from work just so I could be with him again. It went so unbelievably fast my head is still spinning a year later. I do wish that we would have taken it a lot slower.
He never really left my house since the day that we first met again. We actually bit the bullet and went a got a house "together" in November. I hate to think it was a rather large mistake, but, I truly think it was. We have been butting heads. His jealousy and insecurity is driving me insane. I feel like a smothered flame with hardly any spark left. I can't breathe. I miss my writing. I miss my venting. I miss being free to speak my mind and say how I am really feeling. I want to be alone but I am so afraid to be lonely again.
I know that he is a wonderful man. I know he has his past and his past isn't great. I know his hopes and dreams but I don't know his goals. I hate that someone wouldn't want goals. I mean who says we have to actually reach any particular goal? To me, the journey towards reaching them whether I do or not is sufficient and accomplishing. He is content with the way his life is right now.
Let me just explain a little. When I met him he was working 1 night a week at a bar down in Hyannis. I didn't have a problem with that until he was "living" in my home. I wanted him there but I wanted him to want MORE. Finally I "convinced" him to find a steady paying, I don't know, Fulltime job perhaps? He worked there for awhile, then didn't like it so found something else, didn't like that job so much so landed at this place he is currently employed. He's been at this job since September of 2008. so far so good.... except that sometimes he can't go into work because of the weather or there isn 't much work there. . . . I know. I should be grateful he has a job at all right? At any rate, I want him to want MORE. He gets so angry when I tell him that I want more. More for my self, my daughter, for him. I want everything. And hey, nobody said I was going to have everything, but whose to say that if I don't try right? I have no expectations of the world. I just want more of it. Will I get it? Maybe. Maybe not but I feel like if I don't atleast TRY to obtain something more, I'll never know.
He is loving and caring and just treats me so great sometimes. Then he turns angry and mean and immature. When we fight or argue, I feel as though I am 17 again fighting with my greaser boyfriend with a chain wallet and chucks on. I feel like everything I say is wrong and everything he says is right and no matter what evidence or proof I have to back up my theories or arguments, I am a liar...still.
To be honest and I mean completely honest, this relationship is exhausting and stressful. I truly feel short of breath and tense constantly. My blood pressure is up and I am depressed.
One would tell me just to leave him. Be alone for awhile right? I know. It sounds so simple. We have a bond though. And then there are the good, great and awesome times to consider. We have Hannah to consider. She has grown extremely fond and close to him.
I'm so angry. I am so MAD. I don't know why I get myself into these prediciments constantly. I can't stand my life right now. I truly CANNOT stand it. I have no out. I can never go on the computer because then I'd be cheating on him. When I come home for work I cook, clean and get everyone settled. All I want to do is come blog my feelings whether good or bad. Writing is what cleanses me from all of the negativity believe it or not. It works for me. It really does. Even when I am just talking about what I did today or what I didn't do. It makes me feel better. But he wants me with him every single minute. At first it was sweet but I am beginning to feel like I am no longer my own person. I am feeling like I have lost a sense of myself that used to be the only part of me that made me tick.
How is it that when you think that everything is going awesome and then boom! You come back down from the cloud and realize your life is in shambles?
I don't know what to do. I want to know what to do but I just don't.
Do I want to be alone? No. I don't, but I certainly didn't see myself living this way. That's for damn sure.
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