9/3/09 New England Patriot's Game

Happy Birthday to my sister Amy O! Love you and had a blast last night at the game!

I am so photogenic. I am not a snob.. I just really am

Here's Rocco... The man I should be with but can't be with....

It's been awhile

Things have been exciting, new, full of hope and full of surprises. I met someone.
He was actually my very first boyfriend from over 15 years ago. Weird. I don't understand life sometimes. I met him again through a mutual friend and well, we haven't been apart since. It was a year February 16, 2009. Strange how relationships keep you from being connected to the things that you long for and love the most. Is that how it is supposed to happen?
I was so happy and excited and full of life the first months of our relationship. I couldn't wait to get home from work just so I could be with him again. It went so unbelievably fast my head is still spinning a year later. I do wish that we would have taken it a lot slower.
He never really left my house since the day that we first met again. We actually bit the bullet and went a got a house "together" in November. I hate to think it was a rather large mistake, but, I truly think it was. We have been butting heads. His jealousy and insecurity is driving me insane. I feel like a smothered flame with hardly any spark left. I can't breathe. I miss my writing. I miss my venting. I miss being free to speak my mind and say how I am really feeling. I want to be alone but I am so afraid to be lonely again.
I know that he is a wonderful man. I know he has his past and his past isn't great. I know his hopes and dreams but I don't know his goals. I hate that someone wouldn't want goals. I mean who says we have to actually reach any particular goal? To me, the journey towards reaching them whether I do or not is sufficient and accomplishing. He is content with the way his life is right now.
Let me just explain a little. When I met him he was working 1 night a week at a bar down in Hyannis. I didn't have a problem with that until he was "living" in my home. I wanted him there but I wanted him to want MORE. Finally I "convinced" him to find a steady paying, I don't know, Fulltime job perhaps? He worked there for awhile, then didn't like it so found something else, didn't like that job so much so landed at this place he is currently employed. He's been at this job since September of 2008. so far so good.... except that sometimes he can't go into work because of the weather or there isn 't much work there. . . . I know. I should be grateful he has a job at all right? At any rate, I want him to want MORE. He gets so angry when I tell him that I want more. More for my self, my daughter, for him. I want everything. And hey, nobody said I was going to have everything, but whose to say that if I don't try right? I have no expectations of the world. I just want more of it. Will I get it? Maybe. Maybe not but I feel like if I don't atleast TRY to obtain something more, I'll never know.
He is loving and caring and just treats me so great sometimes. Then he turns angry and mean and immature. When we fight or argue, I feel as though I am 17 again fighting with my greaser boyfriend with a chain wallet and chucks on. I feel like everything I say is wrong and everything he says is right and no matter what evidence or proof I have to back up my theories or arguments, I am a liar...still.
To be honest and I mean completely honest, this relationship is exhausting and stressful. I truly feel short of breath and tense constantly. My blood pressure is up and I am depressed.
One would tell me just to leave him. Be alone for awhile right? I know. It sounds so simple. We have a bond though. And then there are the good, great and awesome times to consider. We have Hannah to consider. She has grown extremely fond and close to him.
I'm so angry. I am so MAD. I don't know why I get myself into these prediciments constantly. I can't stand my life right now. I truly CANNOT stand it. I have no out. I can never go on the computer because then I'd be cheating on him. When I come home for work I cook, clean and get everyone settled. All I want to do is come blog my feelings whether good or bad. Writing is what cleanses me from all of the negativity believe it or not. It works for me. It really does. Even when I am just talking about what I did today or what I didn't do. It makes me feel better. But he wants me with him every single minute. At first it was sweet but I am beginning to feel like I am no longer my own person. I am feeling like I have lost a sense of myself that used to be the only part of me that made me tick.
How is it that when you think that everything is going awesome and then boom! You come back down from the cloud and realize your life is in shambles?
I don't know what to do. I want to know what to do but I just don't.
Do I want to be alone? No. I don't, but I certainly didn't see myself living this way. That's for damn sure.

PIT BULL RESCUE

TO THE SCUMBAG DEAD BEATS
Current mood: forgotten

I just want you to know.....
that when the going gets tough
I get tougher,,,,
They say things get easier with time........Well....
I may still be waiting for time to come around but I am still going to wake up, smile and go.......
After all I've been through.... Nothing will stop me. Nothing.
So..... For all the dead beats, scumbags, piece of shit fathers who think that picking up your daughter, taking her to eat and then calling it a night is what a father is all about.... and for the super dads who have a pile of Christmas presents under the tree from "dad", while the moms spend their last cent on the pile under her tree from "Santa"..... and then trying to explain herself to her daughter why mommy doesn't buy her presents but daddy does.... and for the great dad who degrades the moms, belittles them, and makes the children believe that the moms made you go away or that the moms are the bad ones... and the kids believe you because they want your attention and love SO bad because they never had it before....... Keep influencing them. Go ahead.
My daughter will someday know who "Santa" really was. She will someday realize why "Daddy had to go". She will figure out your cheap 20 minute dinner trips and how many basketball games you missed (but guess who was sitting on the bench each game? Mom was.) Even though she yells at me and makes me sad because daddy wasn't at her game. Even though she blames me for your absenteeism and your lack of concern. Yes. I cry. My feelings are hurt but she only hurts me because YOU hurt her. She only hurts me because she knows I will NEVER hurt her back. She only yells and swears and curses at me because she knows I will NEVER leave her. She knows she is my life and I am her dog to kick.
She loves you for every second you give her. You can do NO wrong in her eyes. ...for now anyway. She cherishes every moment she is with you because deep down, she doesn't truly know when you will be around again. And she doesn't DARE hurt you or yell at you or back talk you. Shes too fucking afraid that you'll leave her. Shes too scared that you'll go away again. She's horrified she will never have her daddy back if she makes him angry.

I can't WAIT until she is old enough to hear and face the truth.
Until then, I will allow her to live this illusion of your fantastic fatherhood. Your brilliant, nurturing, loving ways. Never will she hear a negative remark about you. Ever.
However, I pray that when she does realize, and my God she will, how much of a scumbag piece of shit you really are, I truly pray for your heart. I hope what she says to you does not come close to what I have had to endure out of her mouth. Her hatred towards me because of YOU. You and your scumbag ways.
Fuck you. Fuck your sick fucking mental ways. Fuck your life, your everything.
I am done picking up your pieces and I am done sugarcoating your ways.
I should have sent you away a long time ago when I could have.
Oh and you can thank your daughter, you know... the beautiful angel you love to destroy.... yeah her... thank her someday for saving your life. Because on God Almighty above, You could have been dead 10x over already.

UNSETTLED

I am not quite sure what I was expecting.
He lives 2,000 miles away from me. We are world's apart it seems, and yet I have held onto what I thought was real for far too long. I feel like someone has punched me in the gut. I can't breathe. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest as well. It would never have worked out. Right?
He was my reason for trying so God Damned hard though. He was my reason for wanting something better than what I have right now. He was my hope for love...finally. He was why I woke up every morning smiling. I waited for his daily phone calls, text messages and emails like a child waiting for her presents on Christmas Day.
The moment I first heard his voice. The moment I saw his face. His eyes... they looked right into my soul it seemed. Everything I had ever hoped for.. Dreamed of... He fulfilled in a single conversation. At that time, the distance was a mere "road block". We were going to be together someday and make each other happy and complete. He was the half to my whole that I have been searching for for 31 years. He was everything I needed.
I couldn't wait any longer. Every time I wanted it to happen, SOMETHING, SOMEONE.. Whatever the reason... It just never did happen. Years of trying and hoping and dreaming all came crashing down tonight.
Tonight I said goodbye. I gave up. I threw the towel in. I had to. I couldn't bear playing this twisted game anymore. I couldn't bring myself to want it anymore. It became an effort. A job.
He can't forgive or get past the minor mistake that I made. He never will be able to and I finally saw it. I would constantly pay for something I never meant to do or not do for that matter) and I can't live that way. If that is what loving someone feels like, constant repayment or constant proof of how I truly feel, then I don't know that I want to fall in love.
...... I am sorry. I truly am. I just can't try to make you believe how sincere I am anymore. I don't know how to make it work. I don't know what to do or what to say. All I know is that I don't ever want to have to make someone believe what I say is the truth and sincere and from my heart. I want them to be able to look me in the eyes or hear it in my voice and KNOW that what I say is true.
Yes. Actions do speak louder than words. I definitely believe AND understand that, and if that is what you are holding me accountable for then I can handle that. I can't handle, however, the fact that now you will NEVER know within yourself, how very much I cared for you and how much you have affected my entire life. You will never TRULY know how much you meant to me. That I can not handle. I will forever be unsettled when it comes to you....
I just want you to be happy. It's all I have ever wanted.
Goodbye PCC.....