Have I enlightened you yet about my dysfunctional family? Probably not because I really have nothing nice to say about that subject.
My mother is crazy, emotionally abusive, nagging, uncontrollable, angry, bitter and just a bitch. I have an identical twin sister who despite my avid and consistent efforts to be close to her, hates my guts. Why? I probably will never know. My other sister is a gossip shit stirrer. My oldest sister is little Miss Perfect Mom who has nothing but excuses and is the most selfish person I know. My other sister is literally mental. Se has every ailment and psychological disorder under the sun. My father is dead. Lucky fucking him.
It all boils down to my psychopathic, manic depressive, super bi polar mother who raised us in that mentality. CHAOTIC AND PSYCHOTIC. I look back on my childhood and you know what I remember about my mother? I remember her yelling and sitting at the kitchen table, smoking a cigarette, drinking a cup of coffee and repeating loudly, over and over how much she hates her life. How much she HATES her kids. I actually remember my dad saying the same thing the last few weeks of his life. My mother destroyed my self esteem. I was never good enough. I never did enough. I was never skinny enough, pretty enough. My father used to say I was useless and a half wit. I was dumb. I would never amount to anything.... So what did I do? I went to the first person who gave me attention and promised me love. Oh but another fucking miserable mistake.
Was I loved? Yes. I know they loved us. We wanted for nothing. We had the world. We just didn't have the support and the nurturing needed to GROW UP.
I was angry for so long. I still am so ANGRY. I am mad! I hate. I despise. I have NEVER had a normal, loving relationship. I never had anyone truly love me for me. I always have a guard up and I close down FAST. I am so fucking sick of being hurt.
My family s\ucks. They really do. I am not perfect by any means but I also believe it is NOT OUR FAULT. It's not my fault I am rageful and can't hold a relationship for too long. It is not my fault 2 of my sisters are young raging alcoholics. It is not my other sisters fault for PTSD and anxiety disorder. And It is not my other sisters fault for being a controlling, selfish, martar.
It is my mothers fault. She was a mean, horrible, sad, bitter woman.
I truly despise her for the way that I am.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Why is it so hard?
I am a single mother of the most super rad daughter on the planet. For her entire life I have worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs at a time and currently, working 2. I am exhausted. I am 32 years old and I feel 90. Truly, I do. I am miserable. I want to be happy. Is that so much to ask for? I don't want to be a millionaire, I don't want to be rich, I just want to live happily and without struggling. How am I in debt? How am I living paycheck to payheck and WHY? I make good money, at both jobs.
Hannah and I are both sick. Chest Colds, sinus cold, headaches and just feel yucky. I have great insurane... ha! Well so they tell me. I can't believe how much money I have spent on prescriptions and co-pays alone sine June of this year. It's shocking. Ok. Ok... Let me rewind a bit. My life is a whirlwind, but that doesn't mean I have to confuse you.
June 2009- June 5, 2009 to be exact I was hospitalized for some "mystery" illness. I was short of breath, getting 70% of oxygen with 10 liters of oxygen intake... ridiculous and SHOCKING.... as well as scary. No one knew why. No one could figure out why I was so ill. I was shot up with more meds, steroids, etc.. and yet nobody, no doctor, nurse, specialist ould figure it out.... so My mom steps in and says "I want her transported to Mass General Hospital in Boston, immediately".... The Doctors had no explanation and absolutely agreed.
After spending 5 long and miserable days at this small city hospital, I am transferred to Mass General and immediately swept away for CT Sans, MRI's and MRA's with and without contrast on my lungs, chest and brain. On June 11, 2009 I was diagnosed with pneumonia, collapsed lung, and 2 brain aneurysms. Ummm Hello? Random? I wasn't even having the typial symptoms of pneumonia. First of all I was a preemie at birth and my lungs have NEVER fully matured according to the pulmonary Doctor at Mass General. Second of all I suffer from bronchitis yearly but usually in the Fall months... and I have had many cases of pneumonia throughout my 32 years... and it hurts. It is a painful illness. I didn;t feel the pain, I wasn't coughing, there was no sure signs of pneumonia or any upper respiratory infections so to mee that DX seems like a crok of shit... Really. I don't believe I ever had pneumonia. But I am also not a doctor. Anyway, I leave Mass general after 8 longs days in 2 different hospitals with a long list of speialist referrals and medications. 3 different inhalers, antibiotics, steroids, oh the list goes on and on. I spent, (NO LIE) almost $210.00 at CVS the FIRST DAY out of the hospital. The following week, after seeing 2 different specialists, one a pulmonologist and the other a neurologist, and one lumbar puncture later, I am told to stop the medications I was prescribed a week earlier and give these new ones a try... $110.00 now because OF COURSE, no substitution or generics for the one I A PRESCRIBED right? RIIIIIGHT....
So at this point I am sooooo over mediation and doctors for that matter......
Still am NOT feeling 100% .... in fact I would be lying if I said I was feeling 50%. I feel LOUSY. Physically and mentally UNWELL. I am exhausted, sik and tired of being sick and tired and well... BROKE.
I applied for Short term disability from my work on August 31st because after my hospital stay in June and going back to work, the migraines, and shortness of breath continued and the aneurysms seemed to be causing some concentration, or lack thereof, issues and I was really becoming frustrated mentally due to my illness because I just did not feel like myself and it brought my professionalism and quality down to a level I just didn't want to settle with.
Anxiety, Panic, Stress sort of took over me. OBVIOUSLY financial hardship is the main cause to my stress as well as the fear of my aneurysms.
I have become quite obsessed with Aneurysms. It's gross. My life revolves around my fear of driving down the street and my aneurysms rupturing and me getting in a car aident and killing a wonderful family of 5. This is my irrational fear. Is it REALLY irrational though?
I am afraid to leave my house because I am afraid I will have a panic attack (which by the way I am on mediation for too now... Another 100 bucks for meds)... I had to leave my shopping cart full of food in the aisle of the supermarket because I was starting to hyperventilate worrying and panicking... Why? NO IDEA. I can't figure out what the trigger is.
I am hot mess CONSTANTLY!
Daily activities are becoming more of a hassle to me. Going out with friends is OUT of the question. I am so afraid I will have a panic attack and be humiliated in front of my friends and strangers. I REALLY think about these things constantly.
Not one hour goes by that I don't worry about worrying about worrying.
I worry, I am sared, I am so alone nowadays and it is so OUT OF MY NORM. I am, or once was such an extravert. I LOVE PEOPLE. Now I am so afraid.
Why?
When will things be easier for me? I am WAY TOO YOUNG to have to endure this worry and stress and sadness.
I am sad. I am sad because I am afraid. I am afraid beause I worry and I worry because I don't know how to make things better.
I just want to make things better.
Hannah and I are both sick. Chest Colds, sinus cold, headaches and just feel yucky. I have great insurane... ha! Well so they tell me. I can't believe how much money I have spent on prescriptions and co-pays alone sine June of this year. It's shocking. Ok. Ok... Let me rewind a bit. My life is a whirlwind, but that doesn't mean I have to confuse you.
June 2009- June 5, 2009 to be exact I was hospitalized for some "mystery" illness. I was short of breath, getting 70% of oxygen with 10 liters of oxygen intake... ridiculous and SHOCKING.... as well as scary. No one knew why. No one could figure out why I was so ill. I was shot up with more meds, steroids, etc.. and yet nobody, no doctor, nurse, specialist ould figure it out.... so My mom steps in and says "I want her transported to Mass General Hospital in Boston, immediately".... The Doctors had no explanation and absolutely agreed.
After spending 5 long and miserable days at this small city hospital, I am transferred to Mass General and immediately swept away for CT Sans, MRI's and MRA's with and without contrast on my lungs, chest and brain. On June 11, 2009 I was diagnosed with pneumonia, collapsed lung, and 2 brain aneurysms. Ummm Hello? Random? I wasn't even having the typial symptoms of pneumonia. First of all I was a preemie at birth and my lungs have NEVER fully matured according to the pulmonary Doctor at Mass General. Second of all I suffer from bronchitis yearly but usually in the Fall months... and I have had many cases of pneumonia throughout my 32 years... and it hurts. It is a painful illness. I didn;t feel the pain, I wasn't coughing, there was no sure signs of pneumonia or any upper respiratory infections so to mee that DX seems like a crok of shit... Really. I don't believe I ever had pneumonia. But I am also not a doctor. Anyway, I leave Mass general after 8 longs days in 2 different hospitals with a long list of speialist referrals and medications. 3 different inhalers, antibiotics, steroids, oh the list goes on and on. I spent, (NO LIE) almost $210.00 at CVS the FIRST DAY out of the hospital. The following week, after seeing 2 different specialists, one a pulmonologist and the other a neurologist, and one lumbar puncture later, I am told to stop the medications I was prescribed a week earlier and give these new ones a try... $110.00 now because OF COURSE, no substitution or generics for the one I A PRESCRIBED right? RIIIIIGHT....
So at this point I am sooooo over mediation and doctors for that matter......
Still am NOT feeling 100% .... in fact I would be lying if I said I was feeling 50%. I feel LOUSY. Physically and mentally UNWELL. I am exhausted, sik and tired of being sick and tired and well... BROKE.
I applied for Short term disability from my work on August 31st because after my hospital stay in June and going back to work, the migraines, and shortness of breath continued and the aneurysms seemed to be causing some concentration, or lack thereof, issues and I was really becoming frustrated mentally due to my illness because I just did not feel like myself and it brought my professionalism and quality down to a level I just didn't want to settle with.
Anxiety, Panic, Stress sort of took over me. OBVIOUSLY financial hardship is the main cause to my stress as well as the fear of my aneurysms.
I have become quite obsessed with Aneurysms. It's gross. My life revolves around my fear of driving down the street and my aneurysms rupturing and me getting in a car aident and killing a wonderful family of 5. This is my irrational fear. Is it REALLY irrational though?
I am afraid to leave my house because I am afraid I will have a panic attack (which by the way I am on mediation for too now... Another 100 bucks for meds)... I had to leave my shopping cart full of food in the aisle of the supermarket because I was starting to hyperventilate worrying and panicking... Why? NO IDEA. I can't figure out what the trigger is.
I am hot mess CONSTANTLY!
Daily activities are becoming more of a hassle to me. Going out with friends is OUT of the question. I am so afraid I will have a panic attack and be humiliated in front of my friends and strangers. I REALLY think about these things constantly.
Not one hour goes by that I don't worry about worrying about worrying.
I worry, I am sared, I am so alone nowadays and it is so OUT OF MY NORM. I am, or once was such an extravert. I LOVE PEOPLE. Now I am so afraid.
Why?
When will things be easier for me? I am WAY TOO YOUNG to have to endure this worry and stress and sadness.
I am sad. I am sad because I am afraid. I am afraid beause I worry and I worry because I don't know how to make things better.
I just want to make things better.
Black Cloud's have to go away right?
It seems as if a horrific Black cloud is following me around and quite frankly, I am sick of it. I have been plagued with bad luck and struggle for almost 15 years now. I am curious when and IF the sun will shine through this nasty cloud anytime soon or atleast at some point in my future?
Friday, September 4, 2009
9/3/09 New England Patriot's Game
Happy Birthday to my sister Amy O! Love you and had a blast last night at the game!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
It's been awhile
Things have been exciting, new, full of hope and full of surprises. I met someone.
He was actually my very first boyfriend from over 15 years ago. Weird. I don't understand life sometimes. I met him again through a mutual friend and well, we haven't been apart since. It was a year February 16, 2009. Strange how relationships keep you from being connected to the things that you long for and love the most. Is that how it is supposed to happen?
I was so happy and excited and full of life the first months of our relationship. I couldn't wait to get home from work just so I could be with him again. It went so unbelievably fast my head is still spinning a year later. I do wish that we would have taken it a lot slower.
He never really left my house since the day that we first met again. We actually bit the bullet and went a got a house "together" in November. I hate to think it was a rather large mistake, but, I truly think it was. We have been butting heads. His jealousy and insecurity is driving me insane. I feel like a smothered flame with hardly any spark left. I can't breathe. I miss my writing. I miss my venting. I miss being free to speak my mind and say how I am really feeling. I want to be alone but I am so afraid to be lonely again.
I know that he is a wonderful man. I know he has his past and his past isn't great. I know his hopes and dreams but I don't know his goals. I hate that someone wouldn't want goals. I mean who says we have to actually reach any particular goal? To me, the journey towards reaching them whether I do or not is sufficient and accomplishing. He is content with the way his life is right now.
Let me just explain a little. When I met him he was working 1 night a week at a bar down in Hyannis. I didn't have a problem with that until he was "living" in my home. I wanted him there but I wanted him to want MORE. Finally I "convinced" him to find a steady paying, I don't know, Fulltime job perhaps? He worked there for awhile, then didn't like it so found something else, didn't like that job so much so landed at this place he is currently employed. He's been at this job since September of 2008. so far so good.... except that sometimes he can't go into work because of the weather or there isn 't much work there. . . . I know. I should be grateful he has a job at all right? At any rate, I want him to want MORE. He gets so angry when I tell him that I want more. More for my self, my daughter, for him. I want everything. And hey, nobody said I was going to have everything, but whose to say that if I don't try right? I have no expectations of the world. I just want more of it. Will I get it? Maybe. Maybe not but I feel like if I don't atleast TRY to obtain something more, I'll never know.
He is loving and caring and just treats me so great sometimes. Then he turns angry and mean and immature. When we fight or argue, I feel as though I am 17 again fighting with my greaser boyfriend with a chain wallet and chucks on. I feel like everything I say is wrong and everything he says is right and no matter what evidence or proof I have to back up my theories or arguments, I am a liar...still.
To be honest and I mean completely honest, this relationship is exhausting and stressful. I truly feel short of breath and tense constantly. My blood pressure is up and I am depressed.
One would tell me just to leave him. Be alone for awhile right? I know. It sounds so simple. We have a bond though. And then there are the good, great and awesome times to consider. We have Hannah to consider. She has grown extremely fond and close to him.
I'm so angry. I am so MAD. I don't know why I get myself into these prediciments constantly. I can't stand my life right now. I truly CANNOT stand it. I have no out. I can never go on the computer because then I'd be cheating on him. When I come home for work I cook, clean and get everyone settled. All I want to do is come blog my feelings whether good or bad. Writing is what cleanses me from all of the negativity believe it or not. It works for me. It really does. Even when I am just talking about what I did today or what I didn't do. It makes me feel better. But he wants me with him every single minute. At first it was sweet but I am beginning to feel like I am no longer my own person. I am feeling like I have lost a sense of myself that used to be the only part of me that made me tick.
How is it that when you think that everything is going awesome and then boom! You come back down from the cloud and realize your life is in shambles?
I don't know what to do. I want to know what to do but I just don't.
Do I want to be alone? No. I don't, but I certainly didn't see myself living this way. That's for damn sure.
He was actually my very first boyfriend from over 15 years ago. Weird. I don't understand life sometimes. I met him again through a mutual friend and well, we haven't been apart since. It was a year February 16, 2009. Strange how relationships keep you from being connected to the things that you long for and love the most. Is that how it is supposed to happen?
I was so happy and excited and full of life the first months of our relationship. I couldn't wait to get home from work just so I could be with him again. It went so unbelievably fast my head is still spinning a year later. I do wish that we would have taken it a lot slower.
He never really left my house since the day that we first met again. We actually bit the bullet and went a got a house "together" in November. I hate to think it was a rather large mistake, but, I truly think it was. We have been butting heads. His jealousy and insecurity is driving me insane. I feel like a smothered flame with hardly any spark left. I can't breathe. I miss my writing. I miss my venting. I miss being free to speak my mind and say how I am really feeling. I want to be alone but I am so afraid to be lonely again.
I know that he is a wonderful man. I know he has his past and his past isn't great. I know his hopes and dreams but I don't know his goals. I hate that someone wouldn't want goals. I mean who says we have to actually reach any particular goal? To me, the journey towards reaching them whether I do or not is sufficient and accomplishing. He is content with the way his life is right now.
Let me just explain a little. When I met him he was working 1 night a week at a bar down in Hyannis. I didn't have a problem with that until he was "living" in my home. I wanted him there but I wanted him to want MORE. Finally I "convinced" him to find a steady paying, I don't know, Fulltime job perhaps? He worked there for awhile, then didn't like it so found something else, didn't like that job so much so landed at this place he is currently employed. He's been at this job since September of 2008. so far so good.... except that sometimes he can't go into work because of the weather or there isn 't much work there. . . . I know. I should be grateful he has a job at all right? At any rate, I want him to want MORE. He gets so angry when I tell him that I want more. More for my self, my daughter, for him. I want everything. And hey, nobody said I was going to have everything, but whose to say that if I don't try right? I have no expectations of the world. I just want more of it. Will I get it? Maybe. Maybe not but I feel like if I don't atleast TRY to obtain something more, I'll never know.
He is loving and caring and just treats me so great sometimes. Then he turns angry and mean and immature. When we fight or argue, I feel as though I am 17 again fighting with my greaser boyfriend with a chain wallet and chucks on. I feel like everything I say is wrong and everything he says is right and no matter what evidence or proof I have to back up my theories or arguments, I am a liar...still.
To be honest and I mean completely honest, this relationship is exhausting and stressful. I truly feel short of breath and tense constantly. My blood pressure is up and I am depressed.
One would tell me just to leave him. Be alone for awhile right? I know. It sounds so simple. We have a bond though. And then there are the good, great and awesome times to consider. We have Hannah to consider. She has grown extremely fond and close to him.
I'm so angry. I am so MAD. I don't know why I get myself into these prediciments constantly. I can't stand my life right now. I truly CANNOT stand it. I have no out. I can never go on the computer because then I'd be cheating on him. When I come home for work I cook, clean and get everyone settled. All I want to do is come blog my feelings whether good or bad. Writing is what cleanses me from all of the negativity believe it or not. It works for me. It really does. Even when I am just talking about what I did today or what I didn't do. It makes me feel better. But he wants me with him every single minute. At first it was sweet but I am beginning to feel like I am no longer my own person. I am feeling like I have lost a sense of myself that used to be the only part of me that made me tick.
How is it that when you think that everything is going awesome and then boom! You come back down from the cloud and realize your life is in shambles?
I don't know what to do. I want to know what to do but I just don't.
Do I want to be alone? No. I don't, but I certainly didn't see myself living this way. That's for damn sure.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
TO THE SCUMBAG DEAD BEATS
Current mood: forgotten
I just want you to know.....
that when the going gets tough
I get tougher,,,,
They say things get easier with time........Well....
I may still be waiting for time to come around but I am still going to wake up, smile and go.......
After all I've been through.... Nothing will stop me. Nothing.
So..... For all the dead beats, scumbags, piece of shit fathers who think that picking up your daughter, taking her to eat and then calling it a night is what a father is all about.... and for the super dads who have a pile of Christmas presents under the tree from "dad", while the moms spend their last cent on the pile under her tree from "Santa"..... and then trying to explain herself to her daughter why mommy doesn't buy her presents but daddy does.... and for the great dad who degrades the moms, belittles them, and makes the children believe that the moms made you go away or that the moms are the bad ones... and the kids believe you because they want your attention and love SO bad because they never had it before....... Keep influencing them. Go ahead.
My daughter will someday know who "Santa" really was. She will someday realize why "Daddy had to go". She will figure out your cheap 20 minute dinner trips and how many basketball games you missed (but guess who was sitting on the bench each game? Mom was.) Even though she yells at me and makes me sad because daddy wasn't at her game. Even though she blames me for your absenteeism and your lack of concern. Yes. I cry. My feelings are hurt but she only hurts me because YOU hurt her. She only hurts me because she knows I will NEVER hurt her back. She only yells and swears and curses at me because she knows I will NEVER leave her. She knows she is my life and I am her dog to kick.
She loves you for every second you give her. You can do NO wrong in her eyes. ...for now anyway. She cherishes every moment she is with you because deep down, she doesn't truly know when you will be around again. And she doesn't DARE hurt you or yell at you or back talk you. Shes too fucking afraid that you'll leave her. Shes too scared that you'll go away again. She's horrified she will never have her daddy back if she makes him angry.
I can't WAIT until she is old enough to hear and face the truth.
Until then, I will allow her to live this illusion of your fantastic fatherhood. Your brilliant, nurturing, loving ways. Never will she hear a negative remark about you. Ever.
However, I pray that when she does realize, and my God she will, how much of a scumbag piece of shit you really are, I truly pray for your heart. I hope what she says to you does not come close to what I have had to endure out of her mouth. Her hatred towards me because of YOU. You and your scumbag ways.
Fuck you. Fuck your sick fucking mental ways. Fuck your life, your everything.
I am done picking up your pieces and I am done sugarcoating your ways.
I should have sent you away a long time ago when I could have.
Oh and you can thank your daughter, you know... the beautiful angel you love to destroy.... yeah her... thank her someday for saving your life. Because on God Almighty above, You could have been dead 10x over already.
Current mood: forgotten
I just want you to know.....
that when the going gets tough
I get tougher,,,,
They say things get easier with time........Well....
I may still be waiting for time to come around but I am still going to wake up, smile and go.......
After all I've been through.... Nothing will stop me. Nothing.
So..... For all the dead beats, scumbags, piece of shit fathers who think that picking up your daughter, taking her to eat and then calling it a night is what a father is all about.... and for the super dads who have a pile of Christmas presents under the tree from "dad", while the moms spend their last cent on the pile under her tree from "Santa"..... and then trying to explain herself to her daughter why mommy doesn't buy her presents but daddy does.... and for the great dad who degrades the moms, belittles them, and makes the children believe that the moms made you go away or that the moms are the bad ones... and the kids believe you because they want your attention and love SO bad because they never had it before....... Keep influencing them. Go ahead.
My daughter will someday know who "Santa" really was. She will someday realize why "Daddy had to go". She will figure out your cheap 20 minute dinner trips and how many basketball games you missed (but guess who was sitting on the bench each game? Mom was.) Even though she yells at me and makes me sad because daddy wasn't at her game. Even though she blames me for your absenteeism and your lack of concern. Yes. I cry. My feelings are hurt but she only hurts me because YOU hurt her. She only hurts me because she knows I will NEVER hurt her back. She only yells and swears and curses at me because she knows I will NEVER leave her. She knows she is my life and I am her dog to kick.
She loves you for every second you give her. You can do NO wrong in her eyes. ...for now anyway. She cherishes every moment she is with you because deep down, she doesn't truly know when you will be around again. And she doesn't DARE hurt you or yell at you or back talk you. Shes too fucking afraid that you'll leave her. Shes too scared that you'll go away again. She's horrified she will never have her daddy back if she makes him angry.
I can't WAIT until she is old enough to hear and face the truth.
Until then, I will allow her to live this illusion of your fantastic fatherhood. Your brilliant, nurturing, loving ways. Never will she hear a negative remark about you. Ever.
However, I pray that when she does realize, and my God she will, how much of a scumbag piece of shit you really are, I truly pray for your heart. I hope what she says to you does not come close to what I have had to endure out of her mouth. Her hatred towards me because of YOU. You and your scumbag ways.
Fuck you. Fuck your sick fucking mental ways. Fuck your life, your everything.
I am done picking up your pieces and I am done sugarcoating your ways.
I should have sent you away a long time ago when I could have.
Oh and you can thank your daughter, you know... the beautiful angel you love to destroy.... yeah her... thank her someday for saving your life. Because on God Almighty above, You could have been dead 10x over already.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
UNSETTLED
I am not quite sure what I was expecting.
He lives 2,000 miles away from me. We are world's apart it seems, and yet I have held onto what I thought was real for far too long. I feel like someone has punched me in the gut. I can't breathe. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest as well. It would never have worked out. Right?
He was my reason for trying so God Damned hard though. He was my reason for wanting something better than what I have right now. He was my hope for love...finally. He was why I woke up every morning smiling. I waited for his daily phone calls, text messages and emails like a child waiting for her presents on Christmas Day.
The moment I first heard his voice. The moment I saw his face. His eyes... they looked right into my soul it seemed. Everything I had ever hoped for.. Dreamed of... He fulfilled in a single conversation. At that time, the distance was a mere "road block". We were going to be together someday and make each other happy and complete. He was the half to my whole that I have been searching for for 31 years. He was everything I needed.
I couldn't wait any longer. Every time I wanted it to happen, SOMETHING, SOMEONE.. Whatever the reason... It just never did happen. Years of trying and hoping and dreaming all came crashing down tonight.
Tonight I said goodbye. I gave up. I threw the towel in. I had to. I couldn't bear playing this twisted game anymore. I couldn't bring myself to want it anymore. It became an effort. A job.
He can't forgive or get past the minor mistake that I made. He never will be able to and I finally saw it. I would constantly pay for something I never meant to do or not do for that matter) and I can't live that way. If that is what loving someone feels like, constant repayment or constant proof of how I truly feel, then I don't know that I want to fall in love.
...... I am sorry. I truly am. I just can't try to make you believe how sincere I am anymore. I don't know how to make it work. I don't know what to do or what to say. All I know is that I don't ever want to have to make someone believe what I say is the truth and sincere and from my heart. I want them to be able to look me in the eyes or hear it in my voice and KNOW that what I say is true.
Yes. Actions do speak louder than words. I definitely believe AND understand that, and if that is what you are holding me accountable for then I can handle that. I can't handle, however, the fact that now you will NEVER know within yourself, how very much I cared for you and how much you have affected my entire life. You will never TRULY know how much you meant to me. That I can not handle. I will forever be unsettled when it comes to you....
I just want you to be happy. It's all I have ever wanted.
Goodbye PCC.....
He lives 2,000 miles away from me. We are world's apart it seems, and yet I have held onto what I thought was real for far too long. I feel like someone has punched me in the gut. I can't breathe. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest as well. It would never have worked out. Right?
He was my reason for trying so God Damned hard though. He was my reason for wanting something better than what I have right now. He was my hope for love...finally. He was why I woke up every morning smiling. I waited for his daily phone calls, text messages and emails like a child waiting for her presents on Christmas Day.
The moment I first heard his voice. The moment I saw his face. His eyes... they looked right into my soul it seemed. Everything I had ever hoped for.. Dreamed of... He fulfilled in a single conversation. At that time, the distance was a mere "road block". We were going to be together someday and make each other happy and complete. He was the half to my whole that I have been searching for for 31 years. He was everything I needed.
I couldn't wait any longer. Every time I wanted it to happen, SOMETHING, SOMEONE.. Whatever the reason... It just never did happen. Years of trying and hoping and dreaming all came crashing down tonight.
Tonight I said goodbye. I gave up. I threw the towel in. I had to. I couldn't bear playing this twisted game anymore. I couldn't bring myself to want it anymore. It became an effort. A job.
He can't forgive or get past the minor mistake that I made. He never will be able to and I finally saw it. I would constantly pay for something I never meant to do or not do for that matter) and I can't live that way. If that is what loving someone feels like, constant repayment or constant proof of how I truly feel, then I don't know that I want to fall in love.
...... I am sorry. I truly am. I just can't try to make you believe how sincere I am anymore. I don't know how to make it work. I don't know what to do or what to say. All I know is that I don't ever want to have to make someone believe what I say is the truth and sincere and from my heart. I want them to be able to look me in the eyes or hear it in my voice and KNOW that what I say is true.
Yes. Actions do speak louder than words. I definitely believe AND understand that, and if that is what you are holding me accountable for then I can handle that. I can't handle, however, the fact that now you will NEVER know within yourself, how very much I cared for you and how much you have affected my entire life. You will never TRULY know how much you meant to me. That I can not handle. I will forever be unsettled when it comes to you....
I just want you to be happy. It's all I have ever wanted.
Goodbye PCC.....
Sunday, January 13, 2008
The Men in my life.....
STEVE
Being with Steve is my favorite time spent in my day. He makes me so comfortable and he allows me to be me. It is never dull. We always have fun and more importantly we love each other, yet know where we stand with each other. Steve is your typical Divorced bachelor. He wants his cake and he wants to devour all of the cupcakes around him also. I am his "Queen". I know this. But I will never be "enough" and lately it bothers me.
He is my husband type. He might be close to my soul mate. He fits all of the parts and he makes me happy and treats me the way I want to be treated. I want to take care of him and love him for the rest of my life. He will love me as long as I live but I will never completely have him. It never bothered me. At first it was just something to do. He kept me warm at night and we always had a good time when we were together. Now... I want more from him and I can't even ask him for it because it has always been clear from te beginning. He can offer me no more tan what I am getting. I agreed to that then and it wouldn't be fair for me to ask him to renegotiate our already solid contract.
I know I deserve better. I know I deserve his all. I would do anything for that. I am afraid that if I do bring that to the table again that he will let me go completely and I don't think I can live without him... which is why I have Patrick...
Patrick
Patrick is my Irish lover. I met Patrick through mutual friends and we immediately were in lust with each other. My relationship with Patrick was ONLY supposed to be a one time affair. It was NEVER supposed to involve feelings. It was all about our fantasies and what others couldn't do for us.
He grew attached. I wanted more of him. Feelings became apparent and well, lets just say that we are very close now. Very close. Sometimes its weird because he is very "brotherly". Brotherly meaning protective and nurturing. We have been through alot together. He is an outstanding dad and a spectacular friend. I would hate to think that someday we would drift apart. But I am afraid that it is already happening. I seem to have found reasons not to see him lately. I am not sure yet why or what the underlying reasons are but they'll surface soon I am sure. It's all probably for the best. I am confident about that.
Brian
My Brian. Brian and I have known each other since May of 1996. I crushed on him immediately. He came in for a hair cut and for 4 years starting that day, we were inseparable. He changed my entire view of men. When I met Brian I was so devastated with Hannah's Dad (Paul) and my relationship. Hannah was just born a month before I met Bri. He turned my world upside down and emotionally supported me and stuck by me through the tumultuous last months of Paul and I. He and I are still the best of friends. When we were a couple he made me so happy and loved me so much that it became scary for me. I am not sure if Love is what I felt for Brian. I loved him but I think I loved him for all of the wrong reasons. He taught me everything. I learned so much from him and I am so grateful for him being in my life. So grateful.
Rocco
He is the man I don't think I will ever have. People say, including him, that I only want him because I can't have him.
He IS the ultimate challenge for me. Those who know me best know that I do thrive from challenging situations.... And this my friends is the most challenging of them all. He truly is my soul mate. We instantly connected. A single phone conversation turned into 4 hours of us connecting and realizing how special this could truly be. He makes me think. He makes me want to be better. He makes me want to make it happen. Here's the dilemma . .. Rocco lives clear across the country... Literally. He lives East of LA on the beach... where I want to be but don't think I ever will be again. Living in Boston seems to be my destiny and Rocco has made it clear that he will never leave Cali. See where the problem is? I don't know when my desire and longing to be with Rocco will subside. The connection and feelings I have for him lead me to believe that it is highly unlikely that I will ever let him go completely.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Some things that wouldn't fit in the "About Me" section
I am stupendously complicated. I am the funniest person you will ever meet. I love to laugh. I am a single mother. I have one beautiful and amazing daughter. I have never been in love. I can't wait to know what that feels like. I love mustard on my hotdogs, onions on my pizza. I love fake eyelashes, make up and fuzzy socks. I love to kiss in the rain. I love to catch snowflakes on my tongue. I love to skinny dip in the Atlantic Ocean in the wee hours of the night. I love twirling my hair. I love the feeling of satin on my skin. I sleep crooked in bed and need atleast 5 pillows. I don't like the way shoes feel on my feet but I love the way they look so I have a bazillion pairs. I like coordination, although I don't have much. I like apples and carrotsticks. Lobster and wine. Fried Dough and egg nog. I don't like Caviar or Champagne... unless you put a strawberry in the champagne.. then I can drink it. I love Mexico and I can't wait to go to Italy someday. I will only go to Italy when I fall in love and he comes with me. I alphabetize my cd's and dvd's. I dislike laundry on the floor, dishes in the sink, seaweed, and the sound of teeth grinding or nails scraping. I tend to push people away. I don't have an explanation for why but I am trying to work on it. I am also trying to stop cussing and smoking cigarettes. I guess I could have alot worse "fixes" but I am still trying to quit smoking. It nauseates me. I don't know why I even do it. I want to live in Miami someday on the beach and vacation in Las Vegas, California and Hamilton Bermuda. I want to get the hell out of Boston thats for sure. It's just so hard for me because I have so much much family and a huge support system for my daughter and I. I love to write. It is my saving grace. Truly. It cleanses me and gives me a sense of security and freedom. Someday I would love to finish my book.
But... I am a procrastinator and my past experience with hopes and dreams?? Well let's just say I don't have such a great track record...
But... I am a procrastinator and my past experience with hopes and dreams?? Well let's just say I don't have such a great track record...
Under Rug Swept
The time has come for me to start anew.
A Clean slate perhaps? Oh who knows. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Nobody does. I just know now that this crazy world has brought so much to my lap and Now I am trying to decipher what the good is and where to place all of the bad.
I love blogging. I always seem to feel so much better after I vent my world into words that only I truly feel and understand. Yes. You might be able to relate to what I am writing but I am the only one who truly feels my words.
Writing to me is my ultimate escape. It is my safety net from all around me. It keeps me warm when I feel cold. It makes me smile when I am sad and it relieves my anger tremendously when I am mad at the world. And mad at the world I am.... alot.
Why? I can't really pin point the reasons at the moment. I am sure you will read eventually the reasons, from my point of view. You may not even agree with me on alot of things, however I will guarantee that my life will entertain you and maybe help you in alot of ways. My trials, my errors, my smooth roads and the bumpiest ones too. The mistakes I have made...that I will make again I am certain, will hopefully reach out to someone. I want my world and my life, my love, my honor, my heart and my mind, if nothing else, to be someone elses knowledge. I know that sounds crazy. I just wish for everyone, what I never had. A sense of knowing. A sense of understanding. My name is Katie. I am 31 years old. I have seen more things in my 31 years than a ninety year old woman will see in her lifetime. I lived the life of Riley, I have lived in the streets. I have been in a homeless shelter, I have lived in a mansion. I was raised by loving parents and given wonderful opportunities and I have blown most of them.
I am a single mother to a beautiful, talented, amazing daughter. My daughter saved my life. She is my world, my heart and my entire life.
What do I want in life?
I want happiness. I want to wake up every day and not have to worry. I want laughter. I want love. I can't wait to fall in love. When will that happen? hahaha! I ask myself that question every day of my life....
I don't know if it will ever truly happen to me but I embrace the hope that lives deep inside of my heart....
The three things that I hope, dream, wish and yearn for sound so simple to me. Love, Laughter and Happiness. Such simple words yet are by far the most difficult things to come by...for me anyway.
Well.. There you have it. The short summary of who I am and what I am searching for.... I only hope and pray that my next 30 years are easier and full of good friendships and lots of love and happiness. ... and of course laughter.
A Clean slate perhaps? Oh who knows. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Nobody does. I just know now that this crazy world has brought so much to my lap and Now I am trying to decipher what the good is and where to place all of the bad.
I love blogging. I always seem to feel so much better after I vent my world into words that only I truly feel and understand. Yes. You might be able to relate to what I am writing but I am the only one who truly feels my words.
Writing to me is my ultimate escape. It is my safety net from all around me. It keeps me warm when I feel cold. It makes me smile when I am sad and it relieves my anger tremendously when I am mad at the world. And mad at the world I am.... alot.
Why? I can't really pin point the reasons at the moment. I am sure you will read eventually the reasons, from my point of view. You may not even agree with me on alot of things, however I will guarantee that my life will entertain you and maybe help you in alot of ways. My trials, my errors, my smooth roads and the bumpiest ones too. The mistakes I have made...that I will make again I am certain, will hopefully reach out to someone. I want my world and my life, my love, my honor, my heart and my mind, if nothing else, to be someone elses knowledge. I know that sounds crazy. I just wish for everyone, what I never had. A sense of knowing. A sense of understanding. My name is Katie. I am 31 years old. I have seen more things in my 31 years than a ninety year old woman will see in her lifetime. I lived the life of Riley, I have lived in the streets. I have been in a homeless shelter, I have lived in a mansion. I was raised by loving parents and given wonderful opportunities and I have blown most of them.
I am a single mother to a beautiful, talented, amazing daughter. My daughter saved my life. She is my world, my heart and my entire life.
What do I want in life?
I want happiness. I want to wake up every day and not have to worry. I want laughter. I want love. I can't wait to fall in love. When will that happen? hahaha! I ask myself that question every day of my life....
I don't know if it will ever truly happen to me but I embrace the hope that lives deep inside of my heart....
The three things that I hope, dream, wish and yearn for sound so simple to me. Love, Laughter and Happiness. Such simple words yet are by far the most difficult things to come by...for me anyway.
Well.. There you have it. The short summary of who I am and what I am searching for.... I only hope and pray that my next 30 years are easier and full of good friendships and lots of love and happiness. ... and of course laughter.
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